You might have heard: I’ve stopped trying to be happy. Rather than orienting my life toward reaching some island of happiness I’m not sure exists out there, I think I’ll try to foster something different in my life. I think the best word to describe it is wholeness. Happiness for most of us is based on the prospect of having our “ideal life.” It is a place to which we must travel – a place “out there.” Like I said, I’m not even sure it exists. If it does, it appears and then vanishes out from under you. And it’s conditional on your circumstances – it’s the old “I will be happy if I can just…[fill in the blank].” Wholeness is not conditional or fleeting. It is available in the present – all the time – whether you have your ideal life or not. It doesn’t depend on your circumstances. Healing, grace and hope are available no matter what. And once those things are growing inside you, no one can take them from you.

For some of us, our ideal lives are no longer an option. Thankfully, wholeness is not dependent on the ideal; rather, it is a function of redemption – coming back from even the worst of circumstances. It includes and incorporates all the hardship, trials and disasters into a resilient narrative in some generous way. The whole life (i.e. mental and emotional well-being) is having a coherent and connected sense of ourselves in our stories, including the brokenness, loss and disappointment. This is healing. It may take some work and focusing of your attention in the right place, but it is available here, now.

Wholeness is also a way to assimilate the darkness and imperfection that is in us. Sometimes we feel like we have screwed everything up or there is something in us that makes us unlovable. It is hard to feel like we can have a good life because we have gotten off course somewhere. How can we have a good life if we are imperfect or unlovable? Forgiveness is the thing that helps make sense of all this. It absorbs everything in you that you find unlovable. It swallows up all the shortcomings you believe make it impossible for you to be worth anything. This is grace, and it is the path from self-hatred to self-acceptance.

Wholeness is even possible when it seems like the world around you is crumbling or toxic. Some of us think it hard to be happy because the world, government and society around us seem so desperate and beyond repair. Wholeness is the prospect that though things may not be okay right now, they can be, even if it happens through death and destruction. This is hope – that we can right the ship through some process of letting wholeness expand. You might not think this possible, but what else would you suggest? Giving up?

Wholeness may not be as intoxicating as the pursuit of happiness, but once you have lived enough life, wholeness starts to sound more and more appealing. I think it is more substantial, too.