shame

The Contempt In Us

January 31, 2021

Search any human heart and you will find contempt. It comes in many forms and is unfortunately as natural to us as breathing and eating. It organizes us. Somewhere along the way (probably in adolescence), we start identifying everything we hate – everything we think we are not and everything we do not want to be. This is probably a necessary process of forming our identity; the problem is too often we get stuck there and believe that is the only way to “be somebody.” Long into our adulthood, we continue to define ourselves by what we hate. Some people die full of contempt, fairly certain they have things figured out and other people don’t. Read More

The Practice of Silent Contemplation

September 12, 2020

We must practice this inner contemplative work to connect more deeply with our reality. Especially now, there is a strong tendency for us to focus on and get involved with things external to us: policy, politics, the current crises, and the others around us – some friend, some foe. If we are to engage with others and our environment in an effective way, however, we must work toward becoming non-violent, peaceful and powerful within ourselves, which will happen when we are able examine and resolve our own internal conflicts. I’m not saying I’ve got it figured out. I’m saying I hope we can be on this journey together. We all always have this inner work to do, and the degree to which we engage in it will be the degree to which we will be able to be part of solutions. Read More

The Allure of Imperfection

April 17, 2020

I have always liked imperfect things. One of the ways my high school art teacher taught us to create abstract art is to draw something you see, and then just take certain elements of the thing and stretch them, elongate them, mess ‘em up somehow in your drawing. It’s deconstruction, which we are having to do in so many ways in our lives all the time. We have to destroy and take apart our lives the way they are to get to the next thing and make a better version of what was. I think this kind of abstract art is more interesting than an exact rendering of something. I like things that are imperfect: people, haircuts, shoes, music, art projects and trucks. They’re just more interesting. Read More

Why We Self-Sabotage: Entertaining Our Dark Sides

March 3, 2019

Ever wonder why we self-sabotage – why we continually return to our bad behavior or have so much trouble doing what we know is right? On the surface, it seems like there is no reason to purposefully do wrong when we know what is right, yet we continue in our self-destruction. This is apparent in our addictions: we are continually drawn to our “vices” which appear to have little redeeming value and obvious negative consequences: smoking, drinking, overeating, drugs, sexual deviance. Sure, there is a chemical basis for these behaviors that makes them sensually rewarding, but it seems like a lot of times, the attraction is more than that. It seems like we return to these sorts of behaviors simply because we are drawn to “being bad.” And it’s not just true with addiction. All of us, with no good reason, continue to do bad things, seeking them out despite known negative consequences. We can all but destroy our lives to satisfy our attraction to our darkest impulses. It’s as common as going to the bathroom. Read More

Finding Our Way

August 6, 2016

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Believe it or not, your self-hatred is the vehicle to finding love. This goes against some common wisdom which says you should really learn to see your own value. I mean sure, you have some nice things about you, but as you examine yourself, you will undoubtedly find some things that are lacking – even just by your own standards. It is impossible to produce love in yourself since you try to do so by some standardized merit system: “if you do and are such and such, you’re okay. If not, you’re not.” That type of love is not even really interesting to us. The only way you can truly receive the love we are talking about is to know the Love that loves you despite yourself and despite your sometimes intense hatred of yourself. Do not be afraid of this self-hatred. It will lead you right where you want to go. It’s just sort of an inside-out way to get there. Do an honest appraisal of yourself and find your wretched unworthiness. Then reach for the Love that loves you anyway. Read More

Shame Revisited

June 4, 2016

In all the talk about the dangers of shame, we can start to think it is something that can and should be eradicated altogether. If that were the goal, we might be tempted to think everything we do and are is okay and even great. We all know that is not true. You do some terrible, selfish, unloving things sometimes, and so do I. You are full of imperfections and contradictions. So am I. It would be a positive step to no longer prop up our egos and reach a higher degree of honesty with ourselves. If we are to find true love, it will be through reaching and knowing the depths of our self-hatred, so we can know we are yet still lovable. If you do not know the vastness of your imperfections, how will you know the depth of grace that swallows them all up? Read More

Perspective

August 10, 2015

It is important to periodically step back and evaluate where you are going – to sharpen your focus, refine your course, gain some perspective. Without this, you are just a rudderless ship, floating and swaying every which way the wind takes you. One of the greatest gifts we have as human beings is the ability to get outside ourselves – outside of life – and look in, measuring and assessing, ever evaluating in order to choose the best course. Without doing this, you may end up somewhere you did not choose to be. It is not because you chose to be there; it is because you neglected to pay attention. The reasons we do not pay attention are myriad, but they mostly have to do with us not wanting to face the music – not wanting to take a sober look at ourselves, what has happened to us and what we have had a hand in creating. So much unnecessary damage can be avoided by taking this step back on a regular basis. Read More

What Your Shame Sounds Like

April 15, 2015

The voices of shame and fear are persistent and numerous. They claw and squawk at you until you gently put them to rest. The only way to do that is by listening to the Strong, Still Voice – the voice that calms and loves you. You long to listen to this voice, but you do not know it because the voices of your anxiety draw such urgent attention to themselves. They are “what you need to do” and “what you need to be” for others. You fear that if you stop listening to them, you will not be worth anything or you will not live up to what you are supposed to do and be, but the opposite is true. If you stop listening to them, you will suddenly be able to hear who you are and what you truly need to do and be. Read More